Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Jala (a meditation)


You are the puddle,
I can see clearly into.
He is the droplet that lays beneath my chest.
As I lean to gaze deeper,
He splashes into you.
But I am not lost,
I am found.
The moon reflects off our curves and ripples,
Cooling. Loving. Creating.
We are the water cupped in the hands of children,
Passing over innocent lips.
Nourishing. Healing. Divine.
Let them be well, live well, love well
Let them splash into each other,
And into He.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Comfort Zones


I’m noticing my attachment to spending time in my comfort zone right now. It’s easy for me to do physically as the temperature turns frigid, and I don’t want to go outside running or walking in the cold. I stay in the comfort of my warm, (otherwise known as the “old folks home, because I keep it sooo hot”) cozy home. I put on some leg warmers and brew a cup of chai, watching the snowflakes fall around me and imagine I am inside a snow globe that God just shook up. The comfort of my home feels great on days like these where we get snowed in, and can pretend that nothing exists outside of this glass bulb. However I know this can’t last. But what about our comfort zones that have lasted, most of our lives? What are these really about? These “comfort” rooms can be made up of the walls that our egos build, telling us about what we like, or dislike, what we can or cannot do, and what we don’t have time, energy, money, or talent for. By these walls of separation we feel protected? Maybe for a short time, until we realize it is a false sense of security. These walls are really our limited stories and beliefs that we tell ourselves about us, and the world around us. If we stay in our glass bulbs too long we loose our sense of joy, and create a world dominated by our ego. You may start to feel that there is no room for growth, change, love, let alone to breathe.

I open my mouth and fog up the window, practicing my ojai breath, seeing the heat of my breath against the glass; a reminder to me that it is always there, even though invisible. Time to bundle up the kids, go outside, and explore the snowflakes; time to experience the way the cold feels on our noses, and observe how the flakes turn to water as they land against the warmth of our skin. Stop watching the world from your comfort zone and get in the game. Our dog doesn’t wait inside with the thoughts of “I would rather be warm and comfortable.” He jumps up on the sofa, shaking and howling, excited to get out in the world, play, and be one with mother- nature. We can learn a lot from our animals.
Where do you stay in your comfort zone? Perhaps it is your relationships, daily routine, or career? Are you afraid to change directions in life or try something new because your friends or family might judge you? Is fear holding you back? What would you do if failure simply wasn’t an option? Do you do things that aren’t serving you any longer simply because you have always done it this way? Try to turn off the judging mind and just be completely you for a while. Sit with your self for 5 minutes every day in the quiet of the morning or evening sunset. Try doing a few handstands. Leave your comfort zones by deciding to moonlight somewhere that encourages your creativity, take the pain and the ass employee out to lunch, scheme up ways to make your passion your living, and daydream about quitting your day job to become a singer on Broadway. So maybe that last part is a stretch, but for now, turn off the computer, put on some music, and dance. Shake things up a bit, and tune back in at a later date to get clear on your intentions for next year.

“We’re going to take this thing here straight over the stratosphere, baby.”-Snoop Dogg

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Caution! Road never ends.


I remember several years ago in an Iyengar class, when the teacher looked at me and said, “You know you can never stop now, right?” As someone who has had a hard time sticking with anything in life, I looked over my shoulder, from some bound up position, eyebrow raised, curious about what that comment actually meant. I felt at the time that she was putting curse on me? Almost a decade later, here I am, owning a yoga studio, completing my 500 hr training, having spent a week with this summer with inspirational, Shiva Rea, completing my Mentorship with Jnani Chapman in Yoga Therapy, and receiving a new name(Vani). I take a moment to pause, and wonder what comes next!! As I write this I do realized that I am addicted to yoga, hence the name of this blog. My family members are constantly asking me. So now are you done, right? Don’t you know everything there is to know about yoga? I have to reassure them that this is much different than when I was in college, and continually switched my major, because I couldn’t figure out what I was meant to do. I know it seems odd to them, as it did to me a decade ago, when all I knew is that my body felt amazing after being in those different shapes for an hour. Being a forever student, facinated by the art and science of yoga, I realize that even though I have a few more pieces of paper in my yoga notebook, I still feel like I know almost nothing. I know enough to understand what my first teacher meant. It took me thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of training to realize that Barbara was right! I can never stop! Sill, it doesn’t make any more sense to daddy, who thinks Yoga is a Pyramid Program. In some ways that is what it does look like in America.(A topic for a later discussion perhaps) I am forever grateful to have stumbled into that Iyengar class several years ago, and I am grateful that this journey continues. What comes next…I teach. I get endless amounts of joy from being both a student and a teacher of yoga, and dancing between the two. I have seen other teachers struggle with this as they stop practicing when they become teachers. This is not a sustainable practice. It is important to find balance between the two, if you really want to serve your students. Below is a little practice that I do to help me be in the moment whether I am soaking up the tradition from another, or being a channel through which Yoga can flow.

“When I enter the presence of my teachers I ask to be emptied so that I may receive. When I enter the presence of my students I ask that I may be filled so that I can serve.”
-Dani (Vani)

Friday, October 8, 2010

Stop. Love. Go.

I have been sitting a lot lately. Why? Because my meditation teacher is making me, because I made the commitment to myself to continue after being at the Ashram, and because I am teaching my students about meditation. Fall is a great time to sit, if your energy gets a little erratic with the change of seasons, like mine does. The practice of meditation has gifted me with a chance to find stillness, and a place to stop the chatter in my head, even if only for a moment. The more I practice, the more I notice the practice seaping into other aspects of my life. For example: I will walk around the park taking in the colors of the leaves and their own mysterious erratic energy as they change from green to a bouquet of orange and red. Usually, I would be running around the park just to check off my jog for the day. A refreshing peak into the details of my day, that I would normally rush by, has been a lovely result of committing to sitting. Meditation is a great way for bringing stillness into our worlds and, within that stillness, feel the love that exists within ourselves.

In the midst of this mindful retreat, a friend of mine was going into the hospital for a serious operation, and having been through the cancer journey before, was not sure what to expect on the other side. I received an email with a link to a blog, developed by she and her family, to keep everyone aware of her progress and to organize a healing community around her, during this 8 hour surgery, and the healing beyond. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I witnessed great love, support, and community, proving that she is not alone on this walk. Her own strength and beauty, reflected in her words on my computer screen, were an inspiration and teacher to me. I thought about our technology, and how separate it makes us. Yet, here is an opportunity to keep us connected and sharing our prayers and support through the same devices. Duality existing even in the land of the information super highway.

Meditation brings stillness and clears out our STUFF, but nothing clears out the vrittis (mind chatter) in our lives faster than peeking into the mortality of our physical bodies on this sacred playground. Humans are amazing during a time of need when the veil of egoic want is lifted. It is like an instantaneous purge of our selfishness. There is a ripe moment where none of us knows how we really got here. Then, flows an infinity of love that exudes from within. We are all waiting for the chance to serve, and when it arrives, it just happens.

It is during these moments, when all becomes still, that you can witness the divine within you waiting to love…quite the opposite of what we do the rest of the time. We are usually caught up in our stories of waiting to be loved, complaining that we are not loved enough, or worst of all, undeserving of love.

As I got on with my “to do” list… after meditating, reading the blog, crying, praying, juicing, putting some of the cucumbers over my eyes (to reduce puffiness), and then crying some more, it was time to take my daughter to school. On the way, I noticed a couple kissing in their car at the stoplight and I immediately thought, ”they are obviously not married or heading anywhere important today if they can kiss each other like that, at 7:30 in the morning.” Then I noticed another couple standing on the corner, just moments later, kissing each other, baby cooing in the stroller beside them. Today, during the lunch hour, I noticed a couple slow dancing on the corner waiting for the light to turn green. What is happening? Have I lost my mind. Is Fort Wayne the city of lip-locked lovers on every street corner and I just haven’t been aware of it until now? The one thing these lovers had in common is that they were all at stoplights. We are usually so caught up in the fast pace of our lives, that we are on autopilot. Many times, it takes a teacher to make you stop and sit; or a traumatic event, to stop us in our tracks. When we stop, love spills out, whether we are at a stoplight, or on our knees or meditation cushions. This is our divine nature. Love is what gets us through our day at our possibly monotonous jobs, and love is what is waiting to heal us when we wake from an intense 8 hour surgery. Most importantly, Love is what we are if we can just stop and get out of our own way. Just don’t stop breathing, even those lip-locked lovers will eventually have to come up for air. Unfortunately and fortunately, the light will turn green.

Spill out love with this Tibetan Buddhist Meditation
Imagine a person you wish to serve in uplifting. Breathe in the pain of this person. Imagine it as a gray cloud that is transformed within you to pure light. Breathe out to that person spaciousness, healing or love. You can do this for anyone: the homeless mother that you pass on the street, a sick friend, someone you choose to forgive, or yourself.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Investigating Dah-ni



The only true currency in this bankrupt world… is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool. –Almost Famous

I recently received an email and a phone call from an old neighbor, Sam, that I lived next door in my early twenties. He called me recently, because he had heard about me and the guidance and service I had been offering to his friend through my teachings on yoga. She would often speak of her teacher and friend, DAH-ni. Sam had the image of this tall, ethnic, beauty, as she would always pronounce my name DAH-ni, instead of Dani. Many weeks later, intrigued by the transformation he was witnessing, he wanted to learn more, so he hopped onto our studio website and began perusing the pages. Sam came to the page with my picture and said, “That’s not DAH-ni that’s DAAAAni!” “She was my neighbor!” She’s not the enlightened person you spoke about. She works out like a maniac and her boyfriend, wanna-be rock star, is allergic to weeds. (Here all this time I thought we were pretty cool.) Ahhh, I remember Sam too and the nights my, then boyfriend, Chris would be running around our home shutting windows trying to quiet the sound of Sam karaoking, in his wavering falsetto, to Sarah Mclachlan tunes at the top of his lungs. I secretly loved listening to the tone-def crooning, though. It comforted me, as it was a sound you wouldn’t expect to hear in the middle of our not-so-safe neighborhood, and an affirmation that I was not alone in my “un-coolness”.
As Sam was telling me how he came to realize it was the same person that lived next door, but with a new spark, and about his own spiritual awaking over the years, I couldn’t help but drift into thought, over the mispronunciation of my name and the synchronicity of the new name given to me by one of the Swamis (Renunciate like a nun or a monk) at the Ashram last month. She donned me with the name Vani (pronounced VAH-ni) comes from the Sanskrit word meaning “eloquent in words”, relating to music, “sound, or voice”.
HMMM Vani, DAH-ni. Interesting. I am not certain if I have embodied these qualities fully, but I do know that I have embraced my inner, taller ethnic beauty that is inside this Irish body of mine, and listening to Sam, I realized that he had uncovered something wonderful too, his true nature. Sam I AM.
Transformation
Most of us in the yoga community feel a little nauseated with how much the word transformation is thrown around these days. In fact, I am making myself a little ill right now. Companies have marketed the term to death to sell products promising that you will forever be changed, which of course has the underlying tone that we are not good enough as we are. Still, if some company bottled it and wrapped it in pretty packaging, I’d probably try it, especially if it came in Ginger.

I can’t speak for Sam, but I am still not any cooler. What has happened through love, life, loss, and most of all my yoga practice, is that I’ve become comfortable in my own skin. For me, yoga has been the process of uncovering what is already there and knowing that I am enough, and that is a very cool realization. Beware of your Svadyaya (Self-Study), one of Niyamas, or “observances” in yoga. Your inner traits may look a little bigger or even a little darker than the corky Irish persona, or whatever you have been hiding behind, but to experience your true nature, is bliss.
This can be a challenging task, when the reality is most of us are afraid to really explore the depth of our souls. It means we have to be OK with the fact that we are not perfect, we have to forgive others, and even scarier, ourselves; we may even have to visit some dark places, before we can fully embrace the light.
When we stop listening to the beliefs that others have put on us about who we are, and especially when we surrender our own misconceptions about who we are, can we begin to experience truth. So dig deep into the sea of you heart, use the tools of yoga, or whatever spiritual practice you have embarked on, to begin to remove the veil of illusion, and walls of separation.
Beginning by stepping out of the story(drama) that has been created, either for you or by you, and forget about your ideas of how you want to be perceived … Then Practice this attitude daily.. Honesty in your mind, Sincerity in your spirit, and a knowing, that you are loved.
Vani

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Fear and the Vaginal Protection Program

Cesarean rates are at an alarming high in this country, one of the reasons being that women in the US are not given the option of having a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) as often they are in other countries. I was pleased to have received a call and email from a local VBAC support group wanting me to speak about the benefits of prenatal yoga. Prenatal yoga can be a wonderful tool for empowering woman and helping them work with their bodies in the birthing process. I also have my own personal experiences to share from my two extremely different births. The first being a terrifying labor lasting 44 hours in the hospital and finally having my daughter being pulled out of me with the use of forceps and the body weight of the doctor using all his might. My husband watching in horror as the doctor had little respect for, in his words, “His favorite toy.”
Dr. Forceps then proceeds to tell us that if I ever happened to get pregnant again I would have to be scheduled a c-section. Three years later…empowered from the connection with my own body and baby, through the practice of yoga, I was able to deliver the baby into my midwives arms without the use of drugs. I would have opted for a home birth the second time had I not believed the doctor to some extent that my body was not capable of birthing a baby safely and should just schedule a c section, however I was intuitive enough to not let them induce me (being 9 days overdue) and believed I could have a natural delivery.
After juggling my over extending schedule and some back and forth emails with the coordinator of the VBAC support group, I decided that I would find a sub for my weekly class and offer my support and knowledge to these woman for one of the most important moments of their lives. I surrendered my previous commitment to my students, set the date, and hit send on the email. Much to my surprise the response that I received this time was much different than the “Delightful!! We meet at…”. The vibe had changed to “I just checked out your website and I am concerned about the Eastern aspect of yoga. I had been under the impression that it was just a really great stretching regimen. Sorry to take up your time.”

My mind came to a screeching halt as if I were about to witness a car crash, and then I felt this flush of anger rush through my veins. I have to admit that I don’t regularly get to feel this emotion, laid back people pleaser that I am, and it was quite exhilarating. (For those of you that have kids and have seen the movie Enchanted. I resemble the cheesy Giselle character when she gets angry.) Where was this anger really coming from? Maybe from my experience of how yoga helped me with one of the most empowering moments of my life… to experience an ecstatic natural childbirth. To think that these woman would not be able to get the information and choose for themselves did make me angry. VBAC group leader was deciding for them, just like the doctors decide for them that they need to have a c-section.
It was also my ego. What was this woman thinking of me? Had we met in person she would have seen my similarities instead of my differences, my light instead of some darkness coming from some other side. I’m sure I could have charmed her socks off…
I wonder if she assumes that I am a Hindu that runs around chanting in Sanskrit and wearing a bindi on my forehead. OK, I do love chanting and I have been known to sport a bindi when I am with my Shiva Divas.
Regardless of this, I simply wanted to serve these women, not turn them Hindu. Swami Satchidinanda said, “I am not Hindu, I am Undo.”

It is ironic to me, that a group wanting to make change in the beliefs of the medical community can be so stuck in their own. Why do some doctors push c-sections for a woman once they have had one, not even considering that the second time could be different? FEAR. Why was I uninvited to this group that is supposed to empower woman to make their own choices…FEAR…What keeps us separate from each other? Many times.. FEAR. Empowerment can never come from FEAR. I have people of all faiths come to practice the art and science of yoga with me. When we practice together we realize our similarities instead of our differences. We act from a place of Love not Fear. We leave with a sense of peace and EMPOWERMENT. So yes, yoga is so much more than stretching my dears. Weather I am going to church to pray, or reaching for my toes, I do not want to be separate from God.

As I iron my wraps for the Satchidanada Ashram, where I will be assisting a yoga for cancer teacher training, tomorrow. I reflect further on the reverence and respect for all things, and all people regardless of their beliefs. I imagine the once Catholic nun that now garbs herself in orange that will wake us with her lovely violin music. I think of the Lotus meditation shrine with all of the symbols of the different theologies, welcoming everyone to pray and meditate. I think about how different I pack for this trip, leaving my shoulder bearing dresses that I adore, and high heel shoes for a more modest wardrobe. As I reflect upon this journey that I am on I feel inner peace and acceptance wash over me, fully excepting of what is , grateful for the present moment, the path ahead, and light within. In these things we are all united.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Kisses for Callousness

William P Young, author of The Shack, was on Oprah XM radio the other day talking about Relationship, and the fact that relationship will hurt us more than anything else in this world, but that through relationship we would also discover the healing we needed. I was moved, because I know this to be true in my own life and was able to be a witness to this phenomenon just this morning with my children… As I was sitting at breakfast with them… Brenna (The 4 year old) was pointing her finger in Teaghan’s (The 1 year old), face. Teaghan was smacking her hand away in defense when suddenly she realized that Brenna had a bandage on her finger, symbolizing an “owie”. She stopped defending herself and leaned over to kiss the bandage on her sister’s finger. Instantly, the progressively worsening situation transformed from frustration and anger, into a peaceful moment, and love.
What a great opportunity we have as yogis and yoginis, to take this awareness into action in our world through the practice of yoga. Remembering first, that the back bending we do on our mats is not simply for us to look prettier and more youthful, but to cultivate the quality of compassion in our lives. I have always had a flexible spine and compassionate heart. I am grateful that I was able to realize from a young age that people wanting to cause pain are the ones in pain, and they are just reaching out for help from a place of that pain. I may have taken this ideal to an extreme, as I have often daydreamed that if I was ever in a situation where I was afflicted with an act of violence, I could tap in to the perpetrator’s pain, we would talk, and there would be an opportunity for healing. Yes this scenario is extremely naïve but, I believe, there is truth in it.
About 8 years ago I was accompanying my sister to a building in a fairly bad neighborhood downtown. Why she chose me as her protector, I have no idea. As we entered the building there were some young boys harassing us on the steps, so I turned to them and said in a slightly whiny voice. “Well(pause) why aren’t you very nice to girls.” And then turned and walked away. My sister’s face had a look something between horror and amusement. This story often comes up as entertainment during our family gatherings, but the part that they forget to include is that the young man did actually feel bad, followed us inside, and in “his own way” apologized. I smiled, felt compassion for him, and all was ok. Except for my sister’s embarrassment of having such a dorky older sibling.
Swami Satchidanana says that a happy face is a reflection of our happiness, a sad face a reflection of our sorrow. Therefore relationship must begin with us.
My Grandmother, who most of my family thinks is crazy because she walks around talking to God all day, once told me during one of her conversations with God she heard just one word…RELATIONSHIP.
William P Young talks about the importance of relationship in our lives, and in healing what is in our Shacks.

Yoga means relationship.
For many years I was reckless with the idea of relationship. The idea of relationship with myself, my loved ones, the environment, and God, seemed impossible, even, at times, terrifying. Through the practice of yoga I started nurturing the relationship with myself, and I healed, then I was strong enough to nurture relationships with others and we healed each other.
As I think about my one year old peacemaker, recognizing her sister’s wound, and turning violence into peace with just a kiss, I wonder how far can we, when united, take this concept into our world. I think of how powerful we are together and it gives me hope. Hope for changing the mess we have made with our societal need for wealth and beauty, hope for the mess we’ve made in our friendships and romances, and hope for the mess we have made of our environment. We can start small by being a little kinder to ourselves next time we can’t reach our toes in paschimottanasana (seated forward bend), or pausing to acknowledge the pain of another before lashing out defensively. We can choose to get involved in helping the planet, and stop making excuses. Most importantly we can always be mindful of moving from a place in our hearts, and trust in the truth of love that comes from a kiss of compassion.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A lesson in non-attachment

I’ve always considered myself a fairly unattached person when it comes to expectations and outcomes of creative projects and relationships in my life, so much so that I’ve often been given the name of Serendipity. I’ve even at times felt like I have had to “fake enthusiasm” when I felt like my own didn’t match the magnitude of the situation. Why then.. did I find myself waking, heart pounding, from a crazy dream just a few weeks ago…goes something like this..Me and my lovely family over at a couples home for dinner when suddenly I had this incredible urge to run. I instantly realized that we were whats for dinner..There was an energy force like a vacuum that was about to devour us, so I grabbed all of my THINGS and started running. I also snatched up my youngest, Teaghan, and as I noticed her sister, Brenna standing in the doorway of darkness, similar to the scene in Poltergeist, grabbed her with my other arm. I was finding it really hard to run as the force was getting stronger. With a child in each arm, and all of the stuff I was trying to bring with me it became nearly impossibly to move. I was stressed about all of the clothes falling out of my half zipped suitcase, but still would not drop it. The apex was when I turned to my husband who was already very confused by our dinner party turned voracious energy field, and told him to go back to grab my Macbook. Whoever said that God speaks to us in whispers…well that just isn’t always the case in my life. This dream was much different the the etherial ones that usually grace my sleep, and a no joke, slap in the face lesson on non-attachment. That day as I walked around my home I noticed a bookshelf full of dusty yoga books(the kind you surround yourself with when you first begin to teach because it gives you an air of confidence you don’t believe you naturally possess) a desk full of papers, notes, and bills from not one, but two yoga studios, I have recently opened. I glance at my macbook, the thing I so willingly sent my husband into the flesh eating energy pit for, desktop cluttered with icons of old yoga photos, flyer, links, anatomy pics..on and on. I began to wonder if this was a reflection of my mind..the thing I came to yoga to calm, just cluttered with new attachments. Here I was, caught somewhere between the business of yoga and the heart of yoga. If the spiritual path is all about letting go, why then have I acquired so much crap!! I am admittedly attached to my macbook, facebook, yoga books, and liberation. The Vedantic scriptures say, “Even the desire for liberation is bondage.” I guess it is inevitable being human, living in this society, holding this passion, and given the serendipitous nature of my life thus far. Thankfully when I stray of the path too long God screams at me to get back on, and always continue practicing. Really that is the essence of it, PRACTICE. I have been practicing letting go and packing a little lighter these days so that I can zip my suitcase completely. I have also witnessed the beauty of being able to stay. There is something powerful about staying in a moment when you have the urge to flee… Staying present in the midst of chaos, that as westerners we cannot run from, staying light in the eye of darkness, and staying calm in the face of fear. When we stay we can serve each other, and truly put our attachments down for a moment.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Confessions of an Asana Addict

A blog by a thirty-something girl that loves Love, Life, Family, Food, God, and Yoga. Since I am unable to quiet the chitta (mental chatter) and control Tanha’ (thirst) for earthly pleasures. I am using this as a forum to confess them, and give us all a chance to laugh at the nature of ourselves on the journey to the Self.